There are two creatures which dwell in the centre of town- their purpose is unknown. One ventures out at night, the other during the day. They are the townie and the pigeon.

    The townie is an easily identified character with many signs indicating the extent of the townie. They are known for commonly lurking around at night, boozing and smoking on a random street corner.

    Out of many issues a townie has, the first is bling. No “respected” townie would venture out without this vital item. The more bling they have the more of a townie that they are, and it can come in slightly different forms- even though the fact that it is gold (whether fake or real) is essential. It can resemble a huge gold necklace, massive rings, and foolishly sized hoped earrings for chavettes. Basically a townie without bling is like a pigeon without feathers.

-Townies also indulge in white super clean trainers, branded clothes like reebok, and the all important Burberry caps. The chavettes are very well known for their mini skirts and high heels (basically slutty clothing) as well as the famous peroxide blonde dyed hair.

I am pretty sure that you have all seen one of them before at some point.

    The next factor is the cars. Townies will get great pleasure from buying rubbish cars and “fixing” them up to what they think is “a super cool car like, in’it”.

Realistically they are destroying a perfectly good old banger and transforming it into a chavmobile. Some of the modifications include; alloy wheels, a body kit (drastically changing the image of the car into what will later be known as the chavmobile.), a fat chrome tail pipe on the exhaust to make the exhaust sound like its blowing, classic blue neon under car lighting and finally spoilers- rear and front in the hope that their car will take off.

    Of course the chavmobile would not be complete, without the aid of a sound system designed to shatter the car windows with sheer volume. It allows everyone else to hear and endure this torturous noise, they try to call music. The bass line pumps out only to cause terror to anyone who hears it. The music which is played in the chavmobile are mainly 3 genres; rap, R&B and dance. All of which are excruciatingly painful to listen to.

    Then there’s the pigeon, which covers the daily shift of terrorising the town. I do not believe they are to be trusted, based on the fact that they are unpredictable and have shifty eyes never faltering from staring at you. Pigeons should be avoided, as with townies for pure sanity alone- but both of these persist on clogging up the streets.

    Similarly pigeons and townies both hang around in large crowds, also known as the “crew”. One alone can be scary enough, but when they are in large groups it is rather intimidating. Luckily for us though the pigeon does not seem to be a very vicious bird, as the pigeon will fly away upon approaching it. The townie however will not budge; this is probably because they are so full of themselves and loud, or simply plain stupidity and lack of realisation of other life forms outside of the townie population. It is really hard to tell which one applies.

    If anyone could begin to truly understand either of them, I would be extremely impressed. Especially due to the problems with communication- as the townie language, “Yeh mate, s’up man like in’it.” and the pigeons cooing, “ coo coo coo "take over the world "coo coo coo" take over the world "coo"” are very different from the normal English language. It is an impossible task, best left unachieved.

By Frances Potjewyd (Franzle)